MY BLOGS

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

It’s close to 4 a.m. when anxiety rising from the core of my abdomen dispels any further sleep. It is forcing the air out of my lungs. My nose is stuffy, the post nasal drip and phlegm in my throat bring about a cough sounding like bronchitis.

Warning signals flash. What in my life is so disturbing that my brain is trying to distract me? What is the real issue? I don’t know, but I need to get to the bottom of this.

I grab my journal and start pouring out my mind on paper, and as my thoughts begin to untangle through my fingertips my body slowly starts to de-stress. I have learned through many hours of counseling to "discharge" all the repressed emotions, heaped up stress and rage through journaling.

Where did it come from?

It started the night before. I arrived home from work around 5 p.m., after picking up dinner from the market, to find Hubby knee-deep in one of his renovation projects. We greeted, exchanged some small talk, agreed on dinner time and I went straight to my desk. I was anxious to get some work done before dinner as earlier I had committed to completing several deadlines over the next six weeks and I wanted to get a head start.

I thought I had at least an hour of uninterrupted work, but not so. As I was sitting down Hubby called for assistance. Half an hour later we wrapped up the work and I headed back to my desk. But a short 15 minutes later a question, barely audible, was posted out of the living room down the hallway. I was irritated at being pulled out of my flow of thought, but I parked my mind, changed lanes and reluctantly responded. I kept quiet as frustration welled up inside me because my train of thought was broken. I gave up, abandoned my project and prepared dinner.

After dinner the pattern continued, and I could not accomplish what I had set out to do. My expectations were shattered. I was highly frustrated, unhappy and angry, but I tried not act out. Nevertheless, guilt started piling up on my shoulders. "Worms" started to wriggle in my upper back and my neck became tired and painful. I could feel the stress mounting up in my body.

I tried to cope with the situation to demonstrate that that I am a "grown-up." I repressed my emotions and practice patience, but the internal rage was heating up and conflicting thoughts passed through my mind. "Should I speak up for myself? No, don’t be so selfish! I don’t like myself. Why am a such a wimp? He needs my help. I can handle this. I don’t have to complete my project tonight. His needs before mine. The time is not right to discuss the issue. If I discuss it now, he will be upset, irritated and hurt. I might seem ungrateful while he is sacrificing his time and energy doing renovation projects to help us financially…" On and on it went.

Full of fear of upsetting my relationship with Wil, I lacked the courage to stand up for myself. I failed to be kind to myself because of my inability to voice my thoughts, feelings, intentions and dislikes. When I define who I am and communicate my identity it gives people a clear message about how I conduct relationships.

The "perfectionistic" me was unhappy that I had not achieved my goal for the evening.

The diagnosis is made. My brain calms down, anxiety vanishes like June gloom in the July heat of California. The post nasal drip and cough ease, and I decide to let Hubby know that there are certain times I do not want to be disturbed. Going forward we need to actively plan and communicate around our time and expectations in order to contribute to better understanding and less conflict.

When going through stressful times/situations, it is important to be cognizant of your bodily and mental reactions.

Physical Healing: Remind yourself of the strength in your body. Be conscious that a stuffy nose and post nasal drip can be stress related. Recording these physical reactions in your journal is conducive to learning an awareness of what your body is telling you. However, if your symptoms continue consult a physician.

Emotional and Mental Healing: Refrain from repressing your emotions, rather be mindful of them and acknowledge that they are involved in stressful events. You do not have to act out those emotions, instead be still and seek their root cause.

Mind Healing: Change the way you think about pain. Research has proved how strong the mind-body connection is. In his book The Mindbody Prescription Dr. John Sarno reported that "internal conflict; stresses and strains of daily life; and the residue of anger from infancy and childhood" are factors causing chronic pain. Do not hesitate to contact a counselor to assist with your healing process.

Spiritual Healing: Jesus left us with the gift of peace. The peace mentioned here describes a state of mind, an inner peace in spite of our circumstances. Jesus said "Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"**, which makes me aware that the choice is ours. Are we going to be afraid and walk around with a "disturbed heart" or are we going to trust God and His Word that He left us with peace?

Playlist: Listen to encouraging music like the song: No Longer a Slave to Fear from Bethel Music. This song helps me to hold onto the truth of being a child of God and my guaranteed freedom from being a slave to fear because I am in Christ.

I would like to pray for you. Please contact me with any prayer requests or questions.