MY BLOGS

Do I sound anti-mask? Yes, I am. But I’m not referring to COVID masks. I am referring to our pretend masks. We, as pain sufferers, have always been wearing masks, the “I-am-fine” mask.

When someone asks us how we are doing, the response is always the same: “I am fine.” Because this is who we are. We are the strong ones, the copers in life. We don’t share our pain. We carry it all by ourselves because we don’t want to burden others. We’d rather care for others before we care for ourselves. Despite our own pain, we still help others and do our best to please others. We sometimes hate ourselves for not being able to say no. We do everything in our ability to complete a project we promised. That’s who we are. >

But in the meantime, we are not fine; our bodies are burning up with pain. We barely have the strength to stand on our feet or breathe freely.

Nowadays, with wearing masks due to COVID, it’s easier. COVID masks suits us. We can better hide what our faces are expressing behind the real mask, which keeps others from asking any questions .

What do we hide behind these masks?

Pain. Overwhelming pain. The medication helps to a point and then nothing helps anymore.

With masks, we hide the painfulness of diagnoses not making sense when the Doctor can’t find the cause of the pain.

We hide frustration, because this is not life as we envisioned. We’re incapable of doing what we’ve done before.

We hide our powerlessness because nobody understands our pain. We are unable to explain our pain to others.

We hide our exhaustion.

We hide the fogginess in our brains. The difficulty of finding the courage and strength to converse. Because halfway through the conversation we lose track of what we are saying.

We hide our fears of rejection. Rejection, because our family and friends drift away from us. We want to hold on to them, but they don’t understand. We feel that we are in the way. We believe that others have it all together, and that we are the only ones struggling. Matthew West’s song “Truth Be Told” calls on us to be honest with ourselves and to be honest with others around us. We believe the people around us buy our “I am fine” lies, but we are only fooling ourselves.

The song reminds me of my downward spiral with pain. I worked the days I could manage it. My colleagues were compassionate, loving, and constantly inquired about my health. I persisted “I am fine.” Keeping others at a distance saved me the energy in explaining my health situation, and my insecurity of not knowing what was causing my pain and discomfort. But it didn’t help me, so they asked less and less, and I became more lonely and hermit-like.

Breaking the silence and sharing my suffering openly and honestly brought me relief. A ton of bricks rolled off my shoulders. One good thing came out of breaking my silence-- the real friends stepped up and others fell by the wayside.

Open up to a friend, someone who loves you, someone who will walk the path with you. And find a counselor who can assist you on the healing path. Let the truth be told.

Pour out your heart to God the way David cries out to God about his pain in the Psalms. Psalm 38: 3 – 8 describes King David’s lament, “…my whole body is sick; my health is broken…; my guilt overwhelms me−it is a burden too heavy to bear. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief. A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken. I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.” He continues in verse 17, “I am on the verge of collapse facing constant pain.”

We are never alone in our pain. Ps 139 tells us that God knows everything about us. He is compassionate towards us. God sees our pain, He knows our pain, and He hears our hopeless cries. He is there for us.

Let’s tell the truth. Let’s stop pretending. If God loves us, let us have compassion for ourselves, let us throw off everything that holds us back. Let us throw off the masks of pretend and let’s get real. Let’s face the truth and tell the truth – it is freeing:

We are not fine.

We are in constant pain.

We don’t know what is causing it.

We don’t understand it ourselves.

We don’t know how to explain it.

We have no idea when the next wave will roll in.

We don’t have strength to do anything when the pain strikes.

We don’t want to help others when we are in pain.

We don’t want to smile when we are in pain.

We struggle with the pain.

We hate being in pain.

We wish it could be over.

We wish our lives could be different.

We wish we could be normal.

We wish we had a visible illness to wordlessly explain our pain.

We are scared out of our wits that others will think we are wimps.

We push through it because that is what we think is expected from us.

Was telling the truth so hard? Don’t you think that your family will understand better if you are open and honest? What about your friends? You’ve likely heard this before, but if your friends don’t understand, they were not real friends to begin with. We are human, we are vulnerable, we can stand up and speak, and we can say we've had enough and are ready to take our first step moving forward.

Let the truth be told. The truth will set us free.

I would love to hear how you fare with Letting go of what others think. Leave a comment.

Until next time!

Anita Beukman

Your Hope Coach