MY BLOGS

I find it difficult to say no. What about you? How are you faring saying no to others? What about attending to your own needs, or sharing your feelings, emotions and desires? Are your relationships more important than your own needs and feelings?

The therapist asked, “What do you like doing?”. Me, I, ahh… what do you mean? Like what? I don’t understand the question. I love doing what my family like doing. “No, what do you as individual like doing?” I was at a loss. It was a difficult question.

After some pondering, family activities like golf popped into my mind. Though, golf was never my first choice of spending my free time. I embarked on the golf journey because of family. I would prefer tennis. But tennis is not their cup of tea.

Have I ever shared my sports preferences with my family? No. I struggle to share my feelings, emotions, and desires with anyone else. Maybe they won’t like me or think that I am a difficult person to live with. My motto was always to adopt what the family enjoy and adjust my life. I believe that my priority is to take care of all others’ needs before I attend to my own wishes. And that goes for both emotional and physical needs.

But this doesn’t stop with family. It spills over in relationships at work and with friends. I try to explain my likes and dislikes, but I’m not very successful. I don’t like to upset people. Is it all worth it? It is easier to go along, especially if you want to maintain good relationships. Smile and follow. Afterwards I’m unhappy and despise myself.

Do you see the trend here? It feels like I don’t have a choice. I need to please everybody around me. I am too feeble or fearful to speak up telling others what I like or don’t like. I hate to say no, because it could be perceived as unhelpful, hurtful, or unwilling to serve God or others. It feels rude to set limits and establish boundaries. I fear rejection and dislike disappointing others. Preserving my relationship is of utmost importance, more important than my own needs.

Does any of the above resonate with you? What does your people-pleasing look like?

But here is where the tug of war goes on inside my mind. How do I discern between a serving spirit and a people pleaser? Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend share some wisdom in their book “Boundaries”, “…if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying.” They go on saying, “We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.” “Setting limits has to do with telling the truth.” These are pretty strong statements.

Being honest in expressing our feelings and emotions helps clarifying our motives, desires, plans and dreams. It creates space to say no and opportunity for God to work in us. Because God can only work in us when we let go of our fears. 1 John 4:18 says, “…because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

Every time I don’t have the courage to speak up about my wishes, dreams, do’s and don’ts my pain flares up, my anxiety forces the air out of my lungs. I lose a little more self-respect. I will experience guilt if I express my needs.

When we try to please others, we become alienated to our own true self. We forget who we are, what we enjoy in life and what God created us to be.

But we can change, that is the good news. We can again find our likes and dislikes, doing things bringing us joy in life. We do have the power to set boundaries, discovering our feelings and needs and our passion.

In the process we raise our self-worth, self-esteem. Here are some of the steps that I took to set me on the path to say no.
• Stop, breathe, and think. You don’t have to respond immediately. Express your need to review your own schedule and to prioritize. Dare to say no to stuff that is not your priority.
• Remember to make a decision for yes not out of fear but out of love. When fear drives your life, it disturbs your peace.
• Give yourself permission to experience feelings and emotions.
• Set time aside to think about your likes and dislikes.
• Dare to dream!
• You don’t have the right to express your dreams, but rather the responsibility to share. Sharing your plans and desires give others a chance to understand your feelings, emotions, needs, likes and dislikes.
• Stop feeling guilty about your own needs. • If you don’t take care of yourself, you don’t have the strength to take care of others.
• Set an alarm for a specific time each day and take ten minutes to just connect with your environment, your emotions, and feelings and do what you like to do.
• If you have no idea what you enjoy doing, think about your earlier childhood years. Or maybe there is something you always wanted to do and never got to do. Try something new and focus on that for a few months until you discover your passions again.
• We have a responsibility to take care of our body, emotions, and souls. Scripture tells us that our bodies was given to us by God and are a temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6: 19 – 20) We need to ensure that this temple is in good condition, physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy.
• We live for an audience of one and that one is God. Nobody else has to approve of what we are doing. If we want to be more like Jesus, we need to follow his example. Jesus said, “I try to please the One who sent me” John 5:30.

It’s time to learn to express your emotions, feelings and desires. To say no. To discover what you enjoy and who you really are. To find your own true self in Jesus.

Let me know how I can help you or leave a comment.

Until Next Time

Your Hope Coach,

Anita Beukman