MY BLOGS

"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."

I failed miserably. I failed myself, my husband, my child, my God, the list goes on. I also failed my mother.

Throughout my childhood us children learned promises were easily made and easily broken. The slightest change in circumstances could negate a promise. Vacations got cancelled and outings fell by the wayside. Clearly this wasn’t a good foundation for teaching children to honor their promises. I have made a lot of promises throughout my life and often failed to honor them. Life has a way of reminding you of past transgressions. Looking back today my broken promises deeply saddens me. Over time I have reaped what I have sown and learned to be slower in making a promise and better on keeping it.

Severe pain in my shoulders and arms was caused by my numerous broken promises. During one of my heated angry moments with my brother over the care of my mom, I promised that I would take care of her until the day she passed, because none of the other children were up to it. I uprooted her from her senior living community, friends and family to move in with us in a different city thousand miles away. But after five years I faced unforeseen circumstances negating my promise to her. I immigrated half way around the world and I left her there with no support or plan on how to live out her final years on earth.

I hoped that my brother would step up and take care of her. He organized and moved her into an assisted living care facility, where he all but "forgot" her. His visits were few and far between. Financial reasons limited my visits to every alternative year for the next eight years until she passed.

The last few weeks of her life she suffered with a broken shoulder in a mediocre hospital. My brother could again not "find the time" to visit her and my anger welled up. But since it wasn’t the "right time" to discuss our differences I once more suppressed the thoughts and emotions.

My mind often went wild with millions of thoughts on what could possibly go wrong when I thought about the dilapidated state of the government hospitals in South Africa, the shortage of nurses and the poor care provided to patients. During many of my daily telephone conversations with the nursing staff I could hear her wailing in the background… "Take me home, take me home."

As a "strong woman", I prided myself to think with my head and not my heart. I made a financial decision not to visit her during this time since we had booked a trip to South Africa with a group of friends within the next 5 months.

She passed away four weeks after her unfortunate fall and I resented myself. I loaded myself with guilt day after day. I stayed busy not to deal with the emotional hurt. But my body kept score. The load piled on my shoulders, physically weighing me down. Pain infested my shoulder blades, spread to my neck, upper shoulder region and arms. I couldn’t lift my arms to brush my hair or to pull on a blouse over my head. The physician diagnosed me with "frozen shoulder region," affecting both shoulders simultaneously.

Writing about this reminds me of how heartless I was and causes an irritation in my throat. It is my body telling me that my emotional healing process is not yet complete… I still have work to do.

How to get rid of this mountain of guilt?

Emotional and Mental Healing: I engaged a counselor to help me find the source of the pain. I had to dig deep to find the issues and emotions, dust them off and look them directly in the face. It was a real "Pandora’s box". There was no more looking for excuses to soften the hurt of my broken promises and wrong deeds. I had to step up and own them, facing the impact my choices have had on me and those around me.

It was hard working through the devastation I left behind, hurting deeply. As time passed, healing started as I accepted responsibility for my choices.

It was too late to ask my mom for forgiveness.

Spiritual Healing: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".

Forgiveness is part of the healing process, forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves. However, I find it much easier to forgive others but to forgive myself is the hardest part. Jesus invites all who carry heavy burdens of bitterness, unforgiveness and shame in our lives to come and find rest with him.** I have asked God for forgiveness more than once. If God, could forgive me, why am I struggling to forgive myself? Not forgiving myself amounts to rejection of God’s forgiveness. So, I surrendered. Over time inner peace and rest settled in my soul.

Mind Healing: God is good, and even though I mess up I do believe He always makes good out of it. When guilt pops up, I remind myself though I have wronged God has forgiven me, and I don’t have to take up that burden again. I am free. I take comfort in God’s forgiveness and promises. It’s a deliberate reformatting of my thought processes. I choose to forgive myself. I repeat His promises and pray out loud speaking life into my own life to solidify the truths.

Body Healing: The pain released little by little from my shoulders over sixteen months as the head knowledge of God’s forgiveness, grace and love settled into my heart. How I enjoyed being able to lift my arm to brush my own hair again.

Playlist: The following Christian praise and worship songs express my prayers, make me aware of God’s love, freedom from guilt and sins and soothes my soul. "My God, my Savior has ransomed me."

for King & Country – O God Forgive Us

Sidewalk Prophets – Come to the table

Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace